Figured it out.

Too many. I have come across too many stories lately on love gone wrong. Someone I know was struck by her bf in public and she fell to the ground due to the impact. Another has to deal with a guy who has bipolar disorder (he calls her whenever he feels like it and ignores her for the rest of the time) and even one who has to deal with a complicated character…… too many to list.

All these are happening to sweet nice beautiful intelligent girls around me. Why is this happening? It’s upsetting because I care for them. It sucks to know that they are aware that they are being manipulated, yet are still pinning for these terrible men.

For a while, I have been reserving my judgements on all these instances. It’s always very easy to have an opinion when it’s not your life. Moreover, I feel I don’t have the right to judge or comment, for I am flawed too. But when it happens to a few people close to me within such a short period of time, it is hard to ignore the feeling of helplessness.

It’s not as easy as saying “hey babe, walk away.” The psychological games that these men play, is scary. They are deluded about their own life goals and are too self-centred to care about the impact they have on others.

I sincerely hope with all my heart, with all the compassion that I can muster, that they will be able to walk away and into the arms of someone more deserving of their love.

I’ve been pondering about why relationships fail and I concluded that it must be because we are too self-centred. We are disappointed because our partner did not meet our expections. Instead of focusing on what is best for the other, we immerse in feeling sorry for ourselves that we fail to see the big picture. There will always be 2 self-centred parties. One who feels they were “wronged” and the other is simply too self-absorbed to realise the unhappiness they are causing the other.

There’s really no easy way out to this. The only solution is communication. They always say “Marry your best friend.” I guess this is the reason why. Instead of bottling up the issue, we should learn to communicate our unhappiness in a light tone. Conversely, the other party should not trivalise the grievances but exercise patience and express commitment to improve the situation.

I guess I figured things out. Again, it’s so easy to discuss the “theory” aspect of it but takes on a whole new meaning when it happens.

I’m known to withdraw into my shell when I’m upset. Poof, I disappear. I guess, I will try to improve that side of me. As much as I hate to talk about what is upsetting me, I will make the effort to communicate for the better of the relationship. There are exceptions. There are some lines that I draw very clearly. Once those “barriers” are breached, my self-protection mechanism will kick in and as difficult as it is, I will distance myself from the person. There will be no turning back from there. Communication is not necessary beyond that point.

The big M.

Back in secondary school, Lynn’s mum once tried to anticipate who among us will be the first to get married. Turns out her bet that Lynn would be the last among us to get married, was wrong.

Lynn emerged as the winner, yet again. (She was the highest scorer back in our year) You go girl!

Met up with her a few days back and she shared some interesting snippets of Alan- the way he sleeps, his jokes and his quirky habits. Throughout the recollection, she was always smiling and laughing. That’s love-accepting and finding joy in his silliness.

A tribute to the couple:

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Message to Lynnie:
It’s not going to be easy. There’ll be good days that will lift you up and bad days that will make you doubt. When you strip that all away, you know that he’ll always be standing beside you through it all and that’s most important. I’m very happy that you found your happiness and I wish you all the best on this new journey ahead.

The day it all came to light

Today-the day of affairs and indiscretions

As I was waiting to buy coffee in the morning, I saw my colleagues ahead of me in the queue. They were standing uncomfortably close when suddenly, she turned in to him for a kiss. That would have been fine, except that he’s married-less than a year to be exact. I was shocked then disappointed. I wanted to believe the love with his wife was real for theirs is a sweet union that started back in university.

Headed for lunch and heard a story of how a friend of my lunch partner asked her out to East Coast to take a few photos. I thought that was a rather absurd until I realised that it was because her friend knitted a soft toy for her bf and wanted to take some nice photos to accompany the gift. Her friend is 24 years old. I remember then.. how at 24, i was willing to do anything and everything for love.

After lunch, news broke that Michael Palmer, the Speaker of Paraliament resigned from his post due to an affair.

Shortly after, I was called to the pantry by my boss to hear his recollection of his trip with a group of people over the weekend. A particular female guest who participated in the trip and whom I’m talking to for the first time, uttered her first sentence to me: “Is XXX rich?” For the first time ever, I rolled my eyes within 3 minutes of meeting a person. Well, I guess, she’s just innocent and had special interest in XXX since he kind of expressed interest in her during the trip. (Then again, I have to say that he seem to express interest in a lot of people I know.) The words that flashed in red, bold, italics, in my head was “bimbo”. I’m not sure why I was upset to hear that that was the first thing she said. I guess I wonder why on earth this lady would be interested in that? Shouldn’t it be, is he nice? What sort of person is he? How does he treat the person around him? What did he do before taking on his current position? or something that effect.

The conversation continued with how my colleague’s bf made attempts to hit on that girl several times on a trip. She felt uncomfortable that he kept coming close to whisper in her ears several times when he could just talk normally since it was not private. He even asked her out for drinks 1-1 on the day my boss had a housewarming which of course, my colleague had to attend.

Back to the trip, the group partied quite a bit and I understand that my boss was hit on by many women who asked if they could return to the room with him.

Later, I had to play aunt agony to my boss and listen to him tell me about how my colleague and her bf was too close for comfort during the trip. I guess to some extend, he was pissed because the bf didn’t want to drink with him and asked him to stop forcing drinks on others.

Too many affairs to handle for a day.

I wish the time could turn back. Turn back to the time when everyone’s love was pure, impulsive and passionate. I had it once, but I lost it. I lost it to Fear. He stole my courage of thinking anything and everything is possible because of love. He offered logic and practicality- “Choose the option in which you will least likely be hurt,” he said.

And so, I continue along this path, shivering in the cold, hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

In love with in love

Sometimes, I wonder if we fall in love with the feeling of falling in love. The thrill, the butterflies in your stomach, the yearning.. it drives you up the wall, at the same time, gives you a warm fuzzy feeling.

But, are you willing to stand by them when the going gets tough?

Advice to the Young on Their Wedding Day

By Patrick Caneday

This article was previously published on The Good Men Project.

What would you tell two starry-eyed lovers about to embark on the rosy path of marriage? That’s the question my brother and his fiancée asked me to answer in a “short” speech on their wedding day. I told them there is no such thing. A short speech on marriage is like a “quick hike” to the summit of Mt. Everest.

After seriously questioning their judgment in people to turn to for advice, I tried to think of anything I’ve learned in my happy marriage that I could offer them.

First and foremost, I told them, be friends. In tough times, you’ll need to return to the safety and security of that friendship to see you through. And in good times, well, in good times you get to be “friends with benefits.”

Marriage is about the long, slow journey; the moments, simple daily moments. Lively bedroom conversations that last deep into the night; long, speechless road trips through the desert. The time she threw out her back and was paralyzed with pain and screaming little ones so you caught the first flight back from a business trip in Las Vegas. Or when you gave her bad directions and got her lost for hours in dark mountain woods late at night on that family vacation. These are the moments that make up a path stretching far into a future that you can’t see or imagine.

Strive for trust and stability, not excitement and adventure. That’s not to say you won’t have the latter. You will. But adventure and excitement are the reward you get for first achieving trust and stability.

Marriage is about letting each other do the things that make you crazy. Don’t argue over the little things like how she lets knives dry in the drying rack tips up; or how much you hate that old, worn out pair of pants he’s owned for 15 years. When he tells you the same story for the fiftieth time, and each time it’s gotten more fanciful, smile, nod and tell him what a great story it is. There are just some things men and women will never fix in each other. And they may best be left unfixed.

Rather than trying to change each other, learn to love each other for exactly who you each are. Be honest with each other, even if it hurts. Marriage is about allowing someone to hurt you and still loving them; it’s about hurting them back and finding they still love you. Let that person tell you everything that is wrong with you, all the things you already knew but could never face alone. Then get over it.

Argue. Challenge each other. Push each other to do good and be better. Know that the baggage and issues you each bring into this partnership don’t magically disappear on your wedding day. In fact, they’ll most likely intensify. Be prepared to battle not only your own demons in the years to come, but each other’s.

You are allowed to freak out at any time, and in fact it’s encouraged. But not at the same time. One of you always has to be the safe harbor, the one that says, “Get over it!” or “There, there, everything will be all right,” even when you don’t know if it will.

Laugh. Laugh as much as possible, at yourself and each other. But always laugh at yourself first. It’s unfair and unkind to laugh at others if you haven’t first proven yourself to be an equal or greater fool.

Find your balance with each other. To use a sports analogy, you need a starting pitcher and a closer. My wife knows that it may take me years to start a household project. But if she starts it — painting a room or tearing up the hideous green carpet in the living room — I can’t help but jump in to see it through. If she doesn’t do her part, the job will never get started. If I don’t do mine, it will never get done … right.

A rough road lies ahead. Arguments, money struggles, interior decorating decisions, filing jointly. But something even more wonderful is about to come your way: Routine. Stability. Knowing. And at last comfort. A comfort you’ve never known was possible. A comfort that allows you to be your sloppy, world-weary, beaten-down and annoying self; the person behind that façade that said you had everything under control. You don’t have to hide it anymore. None of that will change how the other feels about you. And that peace is so much greater than the excitement in the newness of love. You think love can’t get any better than the way you feel right now. But trust me. It does.

Stop caring about the things that the rest of the world cares about — image, income and new toys, Benghazi, fiscal cliffs or any Kardashian. Don’t compare yourself to any other couples you know. Focus solely on each other. It’s now you two, as one, against the world.

Long after the honeymoon take time each day to remember the feeling that brought you together on your wedding day — that magical sense of knowing that this was the person you’ve been waiting for all these years. The feeling that isolated you two from the rest of the world and made you pity everyone else, for surely no one else has ever felt a love, knowing and joy like this before. Keep that feeling for yourselves like a firefly in a jar and put it up on your dresser. Bring it down at least once each day, open it up for a moment and remember.

As I was putting these thoughts down on paper, I received an email from my brother, and he said this:

“Yesterday was a long day. Woke up early, went to work, got home, cooked dinner, unpacked boxes in the new house, put beds together, collapsed into bed. This could have been any long day, with the exception that I was collapsing next to her. We didn’t say anything to each other; we were too tired. She simply put her hand on my back as we fell asleep together. It was the warmest, most reassuring hand I’ve ever felt.”

And with that I realized that there was nothing more I could say.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patrick-caneday/advice-to-the-young-on-_b_2161104.html

Love story

 

 

“Does someone we love have to be perfect in every sense of the word before we make our decision? Is our decision based on a risk factor? Is our decision based on what is the probability of the person leaving you?

And i thought to myself one day, if next week I had leukaemia, he would still want to marry me. And that’s when i knew that this was the right person.”

– Wei Jia

Beautifully imperfect

 

 

“It’s these small things that you remember. The little imperfections that make them perfect for you.

So to my beautiful children, I hope that you too will find life partners who are as beautifully imperfect as your father was to me.”