The Joy of Reading

I love gaining new knowledge and that’s why I love reading. Knowing something new that I didn’t yesterday, makes me feel like the day was well spent.

I wanted a longer break so that I can spend my day at east coast, lying on a mat as read my book and feast on some delicious snack. That would be my idea of a perfect day =)

On another note, I’ve been reading another book on influence. It struck me that the objective of the book is to teach readers “how to play the game.”- how to create a good first impression, how can we assess the other person’s personality and structure your message to convince them easily. Ultimately, that’s life. It’s not the person with the most substance that gets the furthest. It’s the person who protray themselves in what society deem as desirable traits, such as confidence and eloquence, that gets the furthest. Work smart not hard.

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Over-valued

We have the tendency to think we are important, that the world revolves around us.

Handed in my signed contract today and ran into one of the bosses that interviewed me. I could tell that he couldn’t remember where he has seen me.

On one hand, there I am feeling unsettled over the short break, on the other hand, he doesn’t remember where we met.

We are just another worker in the manufacturing line. Easily replaceable. Forgettable.

Looking at the sky is always humbling. It reminds me of how big this world is, and how insignificant I really am. I should not try to create undue stress for myself over a job that has yet to start.

So it’s official

And so it’s official. I will be starting at the new place on the 1st April 2013, Monday.

So far, everyone I have told is happy that I will be making the move.. except me.

I’m anxious and nervous…… What should I expect? Will I be able to rise up to the challenge? How will it be like?

I know I shouldn’t worry about something I cant do anything about for now… but thinking about it just makes my heart race……………..

hmmmmm…..

Time to get dusted.

I decided today to set a deadline for me to quit this job. With or without a job. It was a hard decision to come to terms with because I fear uncertainty. However, after 2.5 years of this, I think I deserve the break.

There were a series of incidents that led me to this decision. However, the realisation that this job took away my confidence (due to the 2 bosses’ constant slam tactics), my ability to express myself (constantly repressing myself as I work under the Indian who tests my boundaries and invade my privacy on a weekly basis) and my drive (2.5 years of constantly psyching myself have turned me into someone helpless and seemingly resigned to my fate. Each time they bring me down, I always convince myself that this is a challenge to my character and I’ll be a stronger person by the end of it. I went overboard. The acceptance have made me weak.) It’s time I get dusted and find back that confident, passionate individual who was filled with so much hope and faith that she can make a difference, that she was special.

The key question to ask now is not “What I want to be”, but “Who do I want to be?”.

At this point, I’m not too certain of the answer. But I am certainly thankful for the people who are rallying behind me and are supportive of my decision. The dinner with the girls tonight helped. They reminded me by asking a series of questions.. “Are you still at the same job?, Why are you taking all this shit? It’s unacceptable!, what happened to the person we know?” Seeing how they have developed to be such confident individuals, made me realise that I have turned into this unsatisfied slob who wallows instead making changes.

The important people in my life are chiding and reminding me that they will be there to hold my hand through this. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel now, knowing that I have their consent to get out of this rut.

I’ll like to end the post with a Bible verse that Lynnie shared:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Now. A time to heal, and a time to regain my faith.

Once again, I wish for a positive outcome.

Yesterday.

Yesterday, my immediate boss called me to slam me about every single thing I’ve done and made me feel lousy about myself. This is all because the lady boss asked if I’m willing to take on X as my client. I did not want to, simply because this company has a dodgy management and I don’t feel comfortable promoting a company that I don’t believe in it.

For that, they discounted everything that I’ve done for the past 2.5 years and tried to bring me down.

Congratulations. They did. You win.

Weird

I’ll just like to add that I have no idea why my company has the penchant for attracting these weird situations. Maybe Hollywood script writers should head to my office for inspiration. There’s no need to imagine. Just observe.

After all these, as I headed home, I prayed that the people in the train will be happy.

And now, I’ll pray that you will be happy too.

This, my friend, is called metta meditation, the meditation of loving-kindness. Let’s pass it on together.

The day it all came to light

Today-the day of affairs and indiscretions

As I was waiting to buy coffee in the morning, I saw my colleagues ahead of me in the queue. They were standing uncomfortably close when suddenly, she turned in to him for a kiss. That would have been fine, except that he’s married-less than a year to be exact. I was shocked then disappointed. I wanted to believe the love with his wife was real for theirs is a sweet union that started back in university.

Headed for lunch and heard a story of how a friend of my lunch partner asked her out to East Coast to take a few photos. I thought that was a rather absurd until I realised that it was because her friend knitted a soft toy for her bf and wanted to take some nice photos to accompany the gift. Her friend is 24 years old. I remember then.. how at 24, i was willing to do anything and everything for love.

After lunch, news broke that Michael Palmer, the Speaker of Paraliament resigned from his post due to an affair.

Shortly after, I was called to the pantry by my boss to hear his recollection of his trip with a group of people over the weekend. A particular female guest who participated in the trip and whom I’m talking to for the first time, uttered her first sentence to me: “Is XXX rich?” For the first time ever, I rolled my eyes within 3 minutes of meeting a person. Well, I guess, she’s just innocent and had special interest in XXX since he kind of expressed interest in her during the trip. (Then again, I have to say that he seem to express interest in a lot of people I know.) The words that flashed in red, bold, italics, in my head was “bimbo”. I’m not sure why I was upset to hear that that was the first thing she said. I guess I wonder why on earth this lady would be interested in that? Shouldn’t it be, is he nice? What sort of person is he? How does he treat the person around him? What did he do before taking on his current position? or something that effect.

The conversation continued with how my colleague’s bf made attempts to hit on that girl several times on a trip. She felt uncomfortable that he kept coming close to whisper in her ears several times when he could just talk normally since it was not private. He even asked her out for drinks 1-1 on the day my boss had a housewarming which of course, my colleague had to attend.

Back to the trip, the group partied quite a bit and I understand that my boss was hit on by many women who asked if they could return to the room with him.

Later, I had to play aunt agony to my boss and listen to him tell me about how my colleague and her bf was too close for comfort during the trip. I guess to some extend, he was pissed because the bf didn’t want to drink with him and asked him to stop forcing drinks on others.

Too many affairs to handle for a day.

I wish the time could turn back. Turn back to the time when everyone’s love was pure, impulsive and passionate. I had it once, but I lost it. I lost it to Fear. He stole my courage of thinking anything and everything is possible because of love. He offered logic and practicality- “Choose the option in which you will least likely be hurt,” he said.

And so, I continue along this path, shivering in the cold, hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Reminded

I’ve been really happy the last few weeks at work, mainly because we are in our lull season and I manage to successfully stay away from my tyrant team head. However, today I was reminded why I didn’t like working in this office.

I left my mobile momentarily on the table and he came over to check in on a project. He looked down and started reading the whatsapp mobile message displayed. A few weeks back, he also came to my desk and started rummaging through my drawers to “find food”. He took the key pouch my client gave me, saying this is just what he needed and left my drawers in a mess. He even threw away some of my food saying its not edible. Occassionally, when I go to the ladies, he will sit at my desk and start reading my email messages.

I have since started to lock everything when I am not at my desk. I hate it that I have to be so cautious in office. I hate it that my privacy is not respected. As much as I try to control my emotions, I am deeply disturbed by this.

Now, I hate it that I am still holding on to this anger.

On another note, the other colleague who he close with has just left. I have to deal with his messages in evening telling me how he wishes to head back to India and how it isn’t fun in office anymore with her gone and me acting weird. He messaged me to complain yesterday as his wife was busy and wasunable to entertain him.

So, I guess I will have to get used to having my private time infringed moving forward.

I wish I could tell him to him not to be such a self-absorbed irritating prick. His inflatable ego, constant need to stay in as the centre of attraction/conversation and fear of being alone is baffling. Unless he can get over himself, it will be hard for him to find inner peace.

One thing is clear, he’s definitely one person I want out of my life when I leave this job.

The thing is…

Well, you see… the thing is..

Work’s been getting me down. I always seem to think that I’m not doing well enough.. not fast enough, not intelligent enough, not making my clients happy enough.. I’m always questioning myself on the areas that I should or could do better. Consequently, I dismiss all that I’ve done and feel lousy about myself.

Its tiring to feel this way.

If only I had………… the guts to drop everything and travel. If only…. I don’t overthink things. If only….

I just have to do a better job at controlling my negative thoughts.

Things to improve:

1. THINK before reacting

2. Call clients to confirm the changes to be made instead of communicating through email

3. Pick up the phone and call the client, no matter how much you hate it.

4. Double and triple check your work

Sigh. Pls let me snap out of this.