Rocky end

Things haven’t been smooth sailing of late. There are so many things that I have to deal with both at home and at work. I try hard to seem strong and happy but its proving to be quite tough on this quiet night.

Someone needs to take on the leadership position at home. I find myself in the same position as 9 years ago- taking charge and trying to pull my mum out of the ditch. This time though, i’m fortunate enough to have my sisters chip in. Tonight, I had to take on my mum’s emotional burden, understand what was she trying to communicate, encourage my sisters to focus on the issues at hand then delegate responsibilities. Sounds easy, but trust me, it was emotionally tiring. My er jie loves to plan but takes a long time to act while my da jie has a strong character but loves to complain. I had to come up with a plan and convince them that this is the way to go. We will fulfill my mum’s wish list tomorrow… but the rest is up to her. We can pave the road but she still has to be the one to take the first step. I just hope she doesn’t screw up because I do not have an alternative plan and my sisters’ patience are running thin. Mine too.

As for work, I heard that my client wants to terminate our service. I had a hard time for 2 months when another client almost wanted to terminate our service. To my boss, the circumstances that led to it don’t matter. It’s the fact that we will lose revenue which drives her crazy. When I go back to work on 2 Jan, I know for certain that she will tear me down viciously. I will also have to play aunt agony to my immediate boss, listening to him as he relate to me about how much he has done and the stress that he is getting from the lady boss.

There are other health stuffies that I have to settle in January. I just hope they will give me time to look into it as the peak season is coming up.

I expect the emotional pressure will be high over the next few weeks.

I allowed myself to cry tonight. But tomorrow, I’ll stand back up and slowly fight against the powerful currents.

Figured it out.

Too many. I have come across too many stories lately on love gone wrong. Someone I know was struck by her bf in public and she fell to the ground due to the impact. Another has to deal with a guy who has bipolar disorder (he calls her whenever he feels like it and ignores her for the rest of the time) and even one who has to deal with a complicated character…… too many to list.

All these are happening to sweet nice beautiful intelligent girls around me. Why is this happening? It’s upsetting because I care for them. It sucks to know that they are aware that they are being manipulated, yet are still pinning for these terrible men.

For a while, I have been reserving my judgements on all these instances. It’s always very easy to have an opinion when it’s not your life. Moreover, I feel I don’t have the right to judge or comment, for I am flawed too. But when it happens to a few people close to me within such a short period of time, it is hard to ignore the feeling of helplessness.

It’s not as easy as saying “hey babe, walk away.” The psychological games that these men play, is scary. They are deluded about their own life goals and are too self-centred to care about the impact they have on others.

I sincerely hope with all my heart, with all the compassion that I can muster, that they will be able to walk away and into the arms of someone more deserving of their love.

I’ve been pondering about why relationships fail and I concluded that it must be because we are too self-centred. We are disappointed because our partner did not meet our expections. Instead of focusing on what is best for the other, we immerse in feeling sorry for ourselves that we fail to see the big picture. There will always be 2 self-centred parties. One who feels they were “wronged” and the other is simply too self-absorbed to realise the unhappiness they are causing the other.

There’s really no easy way out to this. The only solution is communication. They always say “Marry your best friend.” I guess this is the reason why. Instead of bottling up the issue, we should learn to communicate our unhappiness in a light tone. Conversely, the other party should not trivalise the grievances but exercise patience and express commitment to improve the situation.

I guess I figured things out. Again, it’s so easy to discuss the “theory” aspect of it but takes on a whole new meaning when it happens.

I’m known to withdraw into my shell when I’m upset. Poof, I disappear. I guess, I will try to improve that side of me. As much as I hate to talk about what is upsetting me, I will make the effort to communicate for the better of the relationship. There are exceptions. There are some lines that I draw very clearly. Once those “barriers” are breached, my self-protection mechanism will kick in and as difficult as it is, I will distance myself from the person. There will be no turning back from there. Communication is not necessary beyond that point.

Block

I have this amazing ability to block unpleasant things out as part of my coping mechanism. Give me the day and I won’t be upset. Give me another 3 days and I’ll forget I had this issue.

So, for today, let me delight in this “ability” of mine:

The big M.

Back in secondary school, Lynn’s mum once tried to anticipate who among us will be the first to get married. Turns out her bet that Lynn would be the last among us to get married, was wrong.

Lynn emerged as the winner, yet again. (She was the highest scorer back in our year) You go girl!

Met up with her a few days back and she shared some interesting snippets of Alan- the way he sleeps, his jokes and his quirky habits. Throughout the recollection, she was always smiling and laughing. That’s love-accepting and finding joy in his silliness.

A tribute to the couple:

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Message to Lynnie:
It’s not going to be easy. There’ll be good days that will lift you up and bad days that will make you doubt. When you strip that all away, you know that he’ll always be standing beside you through it all and that’s most important. I’m very happy that you found your happiness and I wish you all the best on this new journey ahead.

The new “in” boys

So I heard, One Direction is the latest hot stuff.

Listened to one of their songs, “What makes you beautiful”. Cant make out a single word they are singing but it sure is catchy. Can still remember the days when my sister and I were crazy about Backstreet Boys. We knew all their songs by heart and kept replaying it on the CD player.

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Hurhur..

Here’s One Direction for you on this cold rainy day.

Weird

I’ll just like to add that I have no idea why my company has the penchant for attracting these weird situations. Maybe Hollywood script writers should head to my office for inspiration. There’s no need to imagine. Just observe.

After all these, as I headed home, I prayed that the people in the train will be happy.

And now, I’ll pray that you will be happy too.

This, my friend, is called metta meditation, the meditation of loving-kindness. Let’s pass it on together.

The day it all came to light

Today-the day of affairs and indiscretions

As I was waiting to buy coffee in the morning, I saw my colleagues ahead of me in the queue. They were standing uncomfortably close when suddenly, she turned in to him for a kiss. That would have been fine, except that he’s married-less than a year to be exact. I was shocked then disappointed. I wanted to believe the love with his wife was real for theirs is a sweet union that started back in university.

Headed for lunch and heard a story of how a friend of my lunch partner asked her out to East Coast to take a few photos. I thought that was a rather absurd until I realised that it was because her friend knitted a soft toy for her bf and wanted to take some nice photos to accompany the gift. Her friend is 24 years old. I remember then.. how at 24, i was willing to do anything and everything for love.

After lunch, news broke that Michael Palmer, the Speaker of Paraliament resigned from his post due to an affair.

Shortly after, I was called to the pantry by my boss to hear his recollection of his trip with a group of people over the weekend. A particular female guest who participated in the trip and whom I’m talking to for the first time, uttered her first sentence to me: “Is XXX rich?” For the first time ever, I rolled my eyes within 3 minutes of meeting a person. Well, I guess, she’s just innocent and had special interest in XXX since he kind of expressed interest in her during the trip. (Then again, I have to say that he seem to express interest in a lot of people I know.) The words that flashed in red, bold, italics, in my head was “bimbo”. I’m not sure why I was upset to hear that that was the first thing she said. I guess I wonder why on earth this lady would be interested in that? Shouldn’t it be, is he nice? What sort of person is he? How does he treat the person around him? What did he do before taking on his current position? or something that effect.

The conversation continued with how my colleague’s bf made attempts to hit on that girl several times on a trip. She felt uncomfortable that he kept coming close to whisper in her ears several times when he could just talk normally since it was not private. He even asked her out for drinks 1-1 on the day my boss had a housewarming which of course, my colleague had to attend.

Back to the trip, the group partied quite a bit and I understand that my boss was hit on by many women who asked if they could return to the room with him.

Later, I had to play aunt agony to my boss and listen to him tell me about how my colleague and her bf was too close for comfort during the trip. I guess to some extend, he was pissed because the bf didn’t want to drink with him and asked him to stop forcing drinks on others.

Too many affairs to handle for a day.

I wish the time could turn back. Turn back to the time when everyone’s love was pure, impulsive and passionate. I had it once, but I lost it. I lost it to Fear. He stole my courage of thinking anything and everything is possible because of love. He offered logic and practicality- “Choose the option in which you will least likely be hurt,” he said.

And so, I continue along this path, shivering in the cold, hoping to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

A hidden jewel

I won’t give up by Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It’s like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there’s so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you’ve come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

And when you’re needing your space
To do some navigating
I’ll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

‘Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We’ve got a lot to learn
God knows we’re worth it
No, i won’t give up

I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that i can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what i got, and what i’m not
And who i am

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up
I’m still looking up
I won’t give up (No I’m not) on us (Giving up)
God knows i’m tough (I am tough), he knows (I am loved)
We got a lot (We’re alive) to learn (We are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (And we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up

The beauty of music

Music heightens emotional senses. It soothes your soul after a busy day, it gets you all excited after some drinks, it accompanies you on a lonely rainy night, it puts a smile on your already gorgeous day- the beauty of music.

It’s amazing how musicians are able to create wonderful pieces/songs from just a few notes.

Eventually, when someone does propose to me, I hope there’ll be a romantic song playing in the background to round up the magical moment.