Faltering

My will to quit and face the possibility of unemployment vs just staying in this job, is decreasing.

Think I might just ride it out again. Sigh.

Time to get dusted.

I decided today to set a deadline for me to quit this job. With or without a job. It was a hard decision to come to terms with because I fear uncertainty. However, after 2.5 years of this, I think I deserve the break.

There were a series of incidents that led me to this decision. However, the realisation that this job took away my confidence (due to the 2 bosses’ constant slam tactics), my ability to express myself (constantly repressing myself as I work under the Indian who tests my boundaries and invade my privacy on a weekly basis) and my drive (2.5 years of constantly psyching myself have turned me into someone helpless and seemingly resigned to my fate. Each time they bring me down, I always convince myself that this is a challenge to my character and I’ll be a stronger person by the end of it. I went overboard. The acceptance have made me weak.) It’s time I get dusted and find back that confident, passionate individual who was filled with so much hope and faith that she can make a difference, that she was special.

The key question to ask now is not “What I want to be”, but “Who do I want to be?”.

At this point, I’m not too certain of the answer. But I am certainly thankful for the people who are rallying behind me and are supportive of my decision. The dinner with the girls tonight helped. They reminded me by asking a series of questions.. “Are you still at the same job?, Why are you taking all this shit? It’s unacceptable!, what happened to the person we know?” Seeing how they have developed to be such confident individuals, made me realise that I have turned into this unsatisfied slob who wallows instead making changes.

The important people in my life are chiding and reminding me that they will be there to hold my hand through this. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel now, knowing that I have their consent to get out of this rut.

I’ll like to end the post with a Bible verse that Lynnie shared:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Now. A time to heal, and a time to regain my faith.

Once again, I wish for a positive outcome.

Yesterday.

Yesterday, my immediate boss called me to slam me about every single thing I’ve done and made me feel lousy about myself. This is all because the lady boss asked if I’m willing to take on X as my client. I did not want to, simply because this company has a dodgy management and I don’t feel comfortable promoting a company that I don’t believe in it.

For that, they discounted everything that I’ve done for the past 2.5 years and tried to bring me down.

Congratulations. They did. You win.

Struggling

Changes. It’s constant. It’s inevitable. It’s unsettling.

Some days it’s bearable, some days it’s hard to put on a smile. I wish there will be good news ahead.

2013

2013 will be a year of changes.

There are many issues that I have to tackle in January but I hope it will lead to positive outcomes. Cross my fingers.

So, here’s to smooth sailing 2013. *raises glass*