The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life

is to be a mom.
I’m a mom of 11 month old twin girls
I love my babies dearly, at the same time, being a mom is a huge challenge for me everyday. I’m staying at home taking care of the girls now and it’s just tough. The girls cry a lot especially when they are about to sleep for the night. Listening to them cry just tears me apart. Everyday is another cry fest.

I have accepted the fact that i have to give up all parts of me now that i am a mom.
Who am i?
This is a question that i have been asking myself.
And i guess, the answer now is that I am a mom of Rui Yan and Rui Ning.
I wish i could say that i absolutely love being at home… that i absolutely love being a mom. But the truth is.. sometimes i do, sometimes i dont.
Does being a mom mean that i have to give up everything that was me before?
It certainly feels so.
No, i don’t resent it, i just wonder where i’m headed. Then again, maybe i’m not meant to head anywhere. Maybe there’s no need to head anywhere.


This blog is alive again. For now.

Hey everyone, just thought of writing a new post after a long hiatus.

Decided to just drop by to say hi because I was trying to work out how to get myself google certified and the website says I need a blog of some sorts.. so here I am! I am not quite sure if this is the type of blog that they are referring to but this would work for now.

Also, I realised that I have been getting visitors around the world to my non-existent site for the last few years! Why.. HELLOOO THERE! 😀 Sweet to check in on my site, apologies if it hasn’t been the most exciting.

Well, life’s been so amazing these couple of years and I feel so blessed everyday.

I learnt that you can be as blessed as you want to, as long as you tell yourself you are… haha.. and it becomes a cycle.

I tell myself I am blessed,

I choose to see the wonderful things that are happening in my life… and

Viola! I feel blessed.

Lots to update actually, but this will do for now.

Check in again some time!


So much to learn

There are so many areas that I would like to know more about that there just isn’t enough time.. I get so excited reading different topics that I skip around the books as I take notes of the interesting points raised. There are books on geography, economics, arts, how to present better, management consulting, how to be a good orator… etc..

It’s one thing to read, another to apply. The thing is, there are so many areas that I need to improve on… I wish I can do better….. Be more intelligent, be a better friend, be better at my job…

The Joy of Reading

I love gaining new knowledge and that’s why I love reading. Knowing something new that I didn’t yesterday, makes me feel like the day was well spent.

I wanted a longer break so that I can spend my day at east coast, lying on a mat as read my book and feast on some delicious snack. That would be my idea of a perfect day =)

On another note, I’ve been reading another book on influence. It struck me that the objective of the book is to teach readers “how to play the game.”- how to create a good first impression, how can we assess the other person’s personality and structure your message to convince them easily. Ultimately, that’s life. It’s not the person with the most substance that gets the furthest. It’s the person who protray themselves in what society deem as desirable traits, such as confidence and eloquence, that gets the furthest. Work smart not hard.


We have the tendency to think we are important, that the world revolves around us.

Handed in my signed contract today and ran into one of the bosses that interviewed me. I could tell that he couldn’t remember where he has seen me.

On one hand, there I am feeling unsettled over the short break, on the other hand, he doesn’t remember where we met.

We are just another worker in the manufacturing line. Easily replaceable. Forgettable.

Looking at the sky is always humbling. It reminds me of how big this world is, and how insignificant I really am. I should not try to create undue stress for myself over a job that has yet to start.

So it’s official

And so it’s official. I will be starting at the new place on the 1st April 2013, Monday.

So far, everyone I have told is happy that I will be making the move.. except me.

I’m anxious and nervous…… What should I expect? Will I be able to rise up to the challenge? How will it be like?

I know I shouldn’t worry about something I cant do anything about for now… but thinking about it just makes my heart race……………..


Time to get dusted.

I decided today to set a deadline for me to quit this job. With or without a job. It was a hard decision to come to terms with because I fear uncertainty. However, after 2.5 years of this, I think I deserve the break.

There were a series of incidents that led me to this decision. However, the realisation that this job took away my confidence (due to the 2 bosses’ constant slam tactics), my ability to express myself (constantly repressing myself as I work under the Indian who tests my boundaries and invade my privacy on a weekly basis) and my drive (2.5 years of constantly psyching myself have turned me into someone helpless and seemingly resigned to my fate. Each time they bring me down, I always convince myself that this is a challenge to my character and I’ll be a stronger person by the end of it. I went overboard. The acceptance have made me weak.) It’s time I get dusted and find back that confident, passionate individual who was filled with so much hope and faith that she can make a difference, that she was special.

The key question to ask now is not “What I want to be”, but “Who do I want to be?”.

At this point, I’m not too certain of the answer. But I am certainly thankful for the people who are rallying behind me and are supportive of my decision. The dinner with the girls tonight helped. They reminded me by asking a series of questions.. “Are you still at the same job?, Why are you taking all this shit? It’s unacceptable!, what happened to the person we know?” Seeing how they have developed to be such confident individuals, made me realise that I have turned into this unsatisfied slob who wallows instead making changes.

The important people in my life are chiding and reminding me that they will be there to hold my hand through this. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel now, knowing that I have their consent to get out of this rut.

I’ll like to end the post with a Bible verse that Lynnie shared:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Now. A time to heal, and a time to regain my faith.

Once again, I wish for a positive outcome.


Yesterday, my immediate boss called me to slam me about every single thing I’ve done and made me feel lousy about myself. This is all because the lady boss asked if I’m willing to take on X as my client. I did not want to, simply because this company has a dodgy management and I don’t feel comfortable promoting a company that I don’t believe in it.

For that, they discounted everything that I’ve done for the past 2.5 years and tried to bring me down.

Congratulations. They did. You win.


Changes. It’s constant. It’s inevitable. It’s unsettling.

Some days it’s bearable, some days it’s hard to put on a smile. I wish there will be good news ahead.